You can either be beautiful or authentic. Be one, but please still strive to be the other. Because when both collide and form a fusion, it furthers and deepens what they are. Be beauthentic.
I really want to be those things. I really want to share the rambles of my mind and I do not want to waste what I have to say. I believe that everyone has an experience or a message worth sharing; something that could create connection and further compassion with the world. Some of these truths are ugly and confronting, and therefore some are beautiful because they are both.
I have been creating, writing and scrapping blogs, diaries and novels all my life. I have never finished a notebook, endured a long-lasting blog or finished writing a book. Part of the reason is because I have always struggled with forming words due to a past speech impediment and learning disorder, partly because I am incredibly impatient and easily distracted, and lastly because of fear. Fear of judgement, fear of inadequacy, fear of failing. I think we can all relate to that, at least to some degree.
I have many goals at the moment. I hope that at least some of them will be achieved – I do know I will do my best to at least try. One of these goals is to write. I want to finally leave the story I tell myself that I am “bad with words,” because despite the fact that I stutter sometimes, or it takes me a bit longer to form the sentences that are abstractly born in my mind, or that I can hardly speak when faced with social anxiety… Despite all these things or the fact that it took me a couple more years longer to learn how to speak, write and read than most, I CAN speak, write and read, and damnit, while I may make mistakes sometimes, I actually am good at it! It’s hard for me to even write that, but I think it’s true.
Because I’m trying to pursue this goal of writing and of learning to be proud of my words, I have started a blog (again!) and while there may be hiatuses and shitty entries over its life, I am going to try to prove to myself that I can be authentic, maybe even beautiful, with my words and with what I write.